Taming the Troubled Brain


Raising kids is a demanding job. When we’re tired or stressed or don’t feel good, our emotions can get triggered and we can do things that can overpower and harm our children. Explosive outbursts – yelling and screaming, for example – frighten children. As a little girl, when my mother lost her temper, yelled, and punished us, it struck terror in my heart – and damaged the love, trust and connection. Later as a mother, when I lost my temper and yelled, I felt guilty. With explosive outbursts everyone feels bad—and kids can take it out by bullying others.

The important question to ask: how can we put the brakes on out-of-control emotions so they don’t explode and damage people? So we can model Zorgos skills to our kids? Let’s turn to brain science to learn why it’s so hard to harness our deepest reactive emotions, and learn two emotional management skills to help us keep our cool.

Brain Science

Deep inside the brain is the amygdala whose job it is to ensure survival. Like a guard dog, it’s always watching for danger and ready to immediately and intensely sound the alarm. Once triggered, the emotional brain floods our body with hormones and chemicals that compel us to fight, flee, or freeze. The amygdala packs an emotional—and physical—wallop, and hijacks the thinking part of the brain! Our stress system goes haywire on red alert. Unable to think straight, we may quite literally be “out of our minds.”

This also happens to children. A child who is experiencing emotional flooding cannot hear you, and cannot be reasonable. Logic does not work during a meltdown or tantrum, so don’t waste your breath. Instead, be patient. Calm yourself. Calm and soothe your child. Be present and connect. Later on, after the storm passes, you’ll be able to talk about what happened. (Adapted from The Bullying Antidote, p. 283)

A Six-Second Grace Period

The intense emotional reactions of the amygdala have a life-or-death urgency. They run ahead of the thinking (cognitive) brain by six seconds. After the alarm sounds, it takes the thinking brain time to activate, evaluate the situation, calm the freaked-out emotional brain and RESPOND. This takes restraint. Do your best to hold off the strong urge to REACT for six seconds. You can harness that strong knee-jerk reaction – the “power-assertive method” — that can harm your child and that you’ll probably regret.

Mindfulness slows down a knee-jerk reaction to a second-by-second awareness of what is going on, inserting a pause that changes impulsive reactions to thoughtful responses. —The Bullying Antidote, page 198

Forget Counting to Ten – EXHALE!

The parasympathetic nervous system quiets the amygdala and tilts body, brain, and mind toward a sense of safety and well-being. It is activated through big exhalations. When you experience the next upset, instead of counting to ten, take a big, deep inhalation, hold it, then exhale gradually while relaxing, focusing on exhaling completely. Do that three or more times. Deep exhalations can harness strong emotions and make time for the rational thinking brain to regain equanimity. So the next time your child is distressed, soothe and calm him/her by connecting, and encourage him/her to blow out the hard feelings.

These emotional management tools corroborated by brain science can restrain the upsetting feelings of parents and children alike. They can strengthen connections and help us move beyond bullying.

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A Minute of Silence for Peace.

Complaining is easy. Lashing out when we are hurt comes naturally. Bullying happens.

Peace, on the other hand, is hard. To live in happiness with others, we can’t always put ourselves first. We have to nurture our best intentions, and consciously and constantly point ourselves in the right direction. This needs to happen on the most intimate level, as well as in the grand political theater.

This Saturday is the International Day of Peace.  Set your alarms for noon. Every year on September 21, people around the world share a minute of silence at 12p.m. to contemplate, wish for, and create global peace. This U.N. Celebration is part of their Culture of Peace Initiative, designed to unite the strengths of organizations and individuals who are working to make Peace a practical reality.

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There are many resources available on their web page, highlighting this year’s theme, Education for Peace. One of my favorites is a free ebook with instructions to prepare a classroom of 3-6 year-olds for the Minute of Silence.

Peace Day will fall on a weekend this year, when kids are home with families. Take a little time before lunch to talk to your kids about these broad concepts of peace that we discuss in The Bullying Antidote:

  • Our needs and feelings are part of life and there is always a place for them. They guide us to listen to our intuition.
  • There are infinite possibilities and solutions to resolve challenges.
  • We have to pursue loving, relationship-focused attitudes.
  • Harmony, peace, and joy are normal experiences.

With the right frame of mind, any day can be Peace Day, even with the bumps and bruises life provides.  Hope yours is serene, sweet, and full of joy!