culture | The Zorgos Reader

Please listen to this wonderful two-hour interview with Kristen Caven about bullying from a spiritual perspective. Paula Thompson, Andre Radatus, and Christilyn Biek-Larson, the hosts of Cosmic Citizen Radio provide space and time for a wide-ranging conversation about every angle of this social problem.

It is a two-hour interview, but if you would like to drop in and listen for a few minutes, here is a guide to the key moments:

5:30 Interview begins
6:45 Kristen explains why bullying is NOT a subject near and dear to her heart.
10:00 What The Bullying Antidote is and how the book is structured – 3 parts
11:30 What bullying is and how we can understand it: bullying defined, the bullying dynamic.
14:50 Zorgos!
17:30 Racism, Terrorism… how we justify bullying with fear and confusion.
18:45 What’s in the news: “average citizen” shooter in Chattanooga has an abusive family; random racial beating by college students; Boko Haram uses child bombers; what bullying turns into.
22:00 What do we tolerate and what do we nurture? How the extreme fundamentalist, autocratic parenting style has swung to permissive style. Cultural support for and normalcy of bullying.
25:00 Three mainstream parenting practices that unknowingly nurture bullying dynamics.
27:30 ACES study
30:00 Long-term research on punishment in Sweden – the story of how one country changed its story, and how the US rates in UNICEF study.
34:00 Brain Science – we are wired for negativity and need to consciously work on positivity
35:00 No-spank laws and the Declaration on the Rights of the Child
39:00 How the US ranks nationally for childhood wellness
41:30 The great work being done in the US, in schools, to diminish bullying
43:45 Pre-school is key to protecting society from bullying & crime
44:30 How cooperative preschools create good culture; what to look for in schools in terms of bullying
47:00 <an enthusiastic plug for Pixar’s Inside Out!>
48:00 My Vision for World Domination…?
50:00 (How this book can help heal adult love relationships as well!)
53:00 Bullying is being mean! If we are compassionate to ourselves, we won’t hurt others/our kids.
54:00 Gandalf’s intention: “You! Shall! Not! Pass!” Great example of how to stand up against bullies.
56:00 How Paula’s daughter was bullied (note about handout at bottom of this page: https://zorgos.wordpress.com/discussion/)
1:03 Kristen’s response…pecking orders… when bullying begins… how schools respond…what bullying isn’t…testing…
1:08:30 How Kristen was a bully, and what her teacher did.
1:09:30 Christilyn on Halt and Catch Fire “faggot” locker scene – how sexual difference is a “protected” area for bullies
1:13 Kristen compares culture of gay bullying before legal Gay Marriage struggle to Nazi and Slavery propaganda that made killing Jews, enslaving blacks culturally/economically correct. Bringing injustice to light eliminates systemic discrimination.
1:16 good school rules – respect, no labeling
1:18 Dennis Leary quote: “My kid hates one thing: naps.” How racism and hatred are perpetuated.
1:19:45 Chrystilin on how teaching kids how to be obedient teaches them to accept social bullying
1:20:30 Fight, Flight, or Freeze question
1:21: Nazi generation victims of terrible parenting in Weimar Republic – children as “poison containers” – this mindset happening now. How a child’s brain chooses whether to develop survival- or growth- oriented neurons. Feminine perspective is “tend and befriend.” Kids learn there are other options to conflict.
1:28:30 The power of upstanders! Great stories about people with Zorgos who say “knock it off.” (bully guards, mean stinks, pink shirt day)
1:34 How one parent turned her child bully’s life around
1:36 Caller: a schoolteacher who sees systemic bullying. Thoughts on anti-bullying policies.
1:42 How to look at school bullying programs & policies
1:46 (shout-out to Oakland), and the importance of parents in supporting schools
1:50:30 Bullying is a human rights issue.
1:52:30 Don’t read The Bullying Antidote alone! The work of changing a culture cannot be done alone.
1:53 Quick look at Part 3 of the book – things you can learn.
1:57 parents are more powerful than we know! Parents could turn bullying around in one generation by teaching our kids Zorgos!

Dr. Laura Markham

When Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and founder of Aha! Parenting, started reading our book, she wasn’t thrilled at an early part that says “hitting kids in anger contributes to bullying.” Because, she says, “I think all hitting contributes to bullying.” But after she finished the The Bullying Antidote, she said:

The National Institute of Health reports that 15% of students in the US miss school every day because they’re afraid of being intimidated or even attacked by other students. Clearly, something is very wrong with a culture that creates such stressful, dangerous conditions for kids and teens. But what is it about our culture that has given rise to such pervasive bullying?

Hart and Caven’s comprehensive book acknowledges societal pressures, but suggests that our culture’s child-raising practices too often lay the foundations of bullying. Certainly, they point out, kids who are abused at home are at risk of becoming bullies. But even children who are raised “in good homes” can feel bullied when parents shame them, call them names, spank them, or don’t protect them from sibling violence. Kids who feel bullied at home are primed to become victims with their peers, or to become bullies themselves.

Luckily, most of The Bullying Antidote focuses on solutions. Parents will find pointers to help kids who are being bullied, as well as to help kids who witness bullying, and even to intervene to help their child who is acting like a bully. The last half of the book is essentially a primer on positive parenting, designed to help parents evolve their child-raising to give their child the self-regard and social skills that are so essential to navigate a complex social world without bullying or being bullied.